“I’m so protective of me now I’ll cut someone off for simply having the wrong energy”
Did you breathe a sigh of relief when the red roses and love heart haze of Valentine’s Day cleared? No, this isn’t another blog on the trials and tribulations of being single, let’s face it plenty of us chose to remain on our own… relishing in the solitude, after all sole control of the TV remote controller can have its benefits! So who am I talking to? Well… the simple answer is YOU… the person that’s afraid of being in a relationship, even though you may well be in one right now as you’re reading this.
I was listening to Spotify while writing this article and Sam Smith started to play with his haunting song Too Good At Goodbyes. It’s a fantastic song and as I lost my concentration to the music and lyrics, I found myself deleting what I had been writing and absorbing instead his reflective lyrics…
“I’m never gonna let you close to me, Even though you mean the most to me…”
I realised what had started as a blog on Toxic Love had now morphed into a post about our own toxic behaviour in relationships.
Being in a committed relationship involves risks… it’s almost impossible for love to grow without authenticity of self which can be daunting. Failed relationships can make us question who we are and being in love can force us to self-reflect and even worry about how future partners will view us… how many of you have asked the question “is there something wrong with me?” Yet, it is through trust and vulnerability that we create intimacy but that in itself requires us to open our hearts and with that may come the fear of abandonment. When you open yourself fully to the potential of love, you are also opening yourself to being left, hurt, and afraid of being hurt again like you have been in the past. It’s these fears that can mean some of us find it easier to keep people at a distance, not letting them get too close so they can’t hurt us again.
The toxic view we hold over our own relationships can mean we never truly allow ourselves to love fully. The fear of abandonment can actually result in some people thinking it is better to not love at all than to be hurt again and left. Yes it hurts when a relationship ends but carrying pains and insecurities from past relationships keeps you just there... in the past! We all carry wounds but for those that have not allowed their wounds to completely heal from previous relationships, you are only prolonging the pain and stopping yourself moving forward in finding a lasting and healthy relationship.
The fear of abandonment can be toxic and without realising it you could be unintentionally sabotaging your relationship. If you answer yes to any of the below, then it might be time to step back and be honest about your feelings and fears:
I’ve been hurt before, so I never allow myself to open up fully to people
It’s better to protect yourself, so I keep those I date at a distance
I don’t really need anyone to be there for me I’m fine on my own
I don’t see the point of loving anyone when they just leave anyway
I get out first before they leave me
I’m not suited to relationships
I can’t trust anyone
People always cheat and can’t be trusted
You can move beyond the fear of abandonment and instead of being too good at goodbyes, let those old love wounds heal, learn to invite real intimacy and trust into your life and more importantly be open to a genuine and lasting love. Consider this… everything that you want from a relationship could be on the other side of that fear of abandonment.
Only when you let go of that fear can you attract a lasting love into your life. When you’re in the right relationship you will feel safe and the fear of being left will go, so “Love like you’ve never had your heart broken.”
Written by Nicole McKendry
#love #relationships #fear #trust
There's always room for one more on our Therapy couch... so whether you join us daily, weekly or just when you have time to stop by we hope that our therapy chatter allows you to take time out in your busy life, to unplug from your everyday stressors and simply breathe, listen and change!